I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
