I wish I could punch you in the face.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I think a kid would responsible me up
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
