I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
