It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
