omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
