A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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