the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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