That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Every concussion has its silver lining
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Randomize
