remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
