mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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