Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
