I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
from now on my penis is your penis
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
