Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
im on a boat
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