I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
