Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
