Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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