she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
