Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
