so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
