Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
