I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
