sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
COCAINE IS GR8
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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