Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
