he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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