I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize