so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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