There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
