woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
