I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
