I accidentally burped into my bong.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
