ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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