just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
