Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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