I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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