If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
just found out that she named her cat after me.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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