U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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