there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
