She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
