So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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