god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
