I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
