chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
