don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
