I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
