You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
