Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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