Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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