In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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