mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
