Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
