After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
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