I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
