Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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