I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize