Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
