that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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