After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
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