I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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