I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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