After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
